Remember back in school when somehow you learned to remember the spelling of assume by some idiot saying - Don’t assume, you’ll make an ass out of u and me. Assuming things, in general, is one of the worst things to do. It inevitably gets you into a jam one way or another. This applies to when you are on a train talking on your cellphone. If you assume you are the only person in the train car, you will be sad to learn that everyone will know your business. If you assume you are the only person in the train car, you’ll be sad to learn when Ripper is sitting next to you. And most of all, if you assume you are the only person in the train car, you will be VERY sad to learn when Ripper is sitting next to you, without his music and with a keyboard.

So with nothing to do on the train today, a very good friend gave me the idea when I had grumbled something about the person next to me on was on the phone. She said, “Write down every word you hear and try and make it a story”. Brilliant! I will say that it’s very difficult to keep up so I just typed up the main context of one side of the conversation. The other side you ask? Well read below for what I’m assuming to be the other person.

The items in bold is the context of her line. The items not in bold is my interpretation, my assumption, of what the other person said. Viewer discretion is advised (sorry mom). Keep in mind, this isn’t word for word since I was typing and listening on the fly. These are just the highlights.

Right, i went to see him
At what time?
Read the rest of this entry »

I’m sitting on a packed train and the woman next to me took a phone call and in doing so said - can I call you back because I’m on the train and don’t want to be rude.

Very well done.

It’s the holidays and money is tight. So how do you find the extra cash for that Playstation 3 on your shopping list? Just listen!

He gets on at Union, heading home from a long day’s work. He plops down into the two-seater with me, tossing his coat over my lap and crushing my bag with his thigh. Such a nice guy. Before we’ve even left the station, his cell phone sounds off and in that oh-so-common 100 decibel level, proceeds to have a conversation with his auto mechanic.

“So it’s done!? Great, great. Ok. Mmmhmm. Ok, so how much is the damage? Oh wow, $1,500?! OK, ok. And it’ll be ready at the shop? I can just pick up the keys anytime before seven? Great, just great. Do you take Visa? Great.”

He then follows this with a brief pause, removes his wallet and then reads aloud the 16 digit Visa number. After a second pause, he dictates the expiration date. And then after a third pause he flips the card over and reads off the three digit security code. The whole train car we’re sitting in has gone silent. But just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, he spells out his entire name, first, last and middle initial over the phone in that over-confident loud voice.

He hangs up with the mechanic and I start to say something to him about being more discreet but the phone rings again and it’s his wife. He describes what the mechanic said was wrong with the car and how much it cost to fix it. “Yeah, $1,400. I know it’s a lot of money but don’t worry honey, we’ve got it. We’ve got plenty in the bank to cover it and i’ll take care of it all.”

I just saw the ultimate in bad cellphone manners. Walked into our men’s room to find a guy talking on his cellphone…while he was using the urinal. Don’t think he washed up afterwards either. That’s just nasty all around…

Who knew such a thing existed?? I certainly couldn’t tell on my ride in this morning because the woman sitting next to me happened to have 5 different conversations. Lucky for her she wasn’t speaking English so I don’t know what she was saying. I do know that everytime she opened her mouth, I was well aware that while she might own a cellphone, she doesn’t own a toothbrush.

Here’s some good (common sense) tips:

http://www.sprint.com/etiquette

This AM there was a guy talking fairly loudly on his phone about three seats back from me (or maybe it just sounded loud because the car was very quiet). Suddenly two women who were sitting in front of him got in an argument. I thought it was about the guy, but from what I understood, one woman said something to the other, who was also talking on a phone (very quietly). The phoner, who was Oriental, said something back to the effect of “you’re complaining about me, not him, and just because I’m speaking Mandarin and not English?! You’re just stupid. Stupid.” By the time we got to NY they must have settled their grievance because they wished each other a good day and seemed friendly to each other.

It was the 7:48 out of Newark Penn Station, this bitch was talking about 50mph into her phone and laughing louder than she was talking. She seemed like a grown up version of that cheerleader yapping on her cell on that T Mobile commercial. How a person can have that much energy to talk and talk after a days work is beyond me.

This morning one of those jerks with the walkie-talkie type phone (nextel?) was a few rows behind me. The constant barrage of “beeps” and “boops” was unreal. I was trying to read and I noticed several “regulars” ahead of me rise up a bit in their seats and turn like they were going to say something to the jerk, but they all just quietly sat back down. So I turned around to see the noisemaker for myself. Baggy red clothes, lotsa gold, do-rag and baseball cap. I didn’t think gang bangers got up so early!

On second thought, maybe he has a date as Essex Co courthouse….

Last night an Indian woman got on my train at Newark with a cellphone plastered to her ear, then she sat next to me in a 2 seater. I thought I was in trouble, but even though the phone never left her ear, even when we got off at Princeton Junction, I never heard a word she said. I know she was speaking, but it was so quietly that I could read my paper and take in nap in peaceful bliss. Thanks Commuter!

So Wednesday I get on the 5:10 at Newark. Nothing but middle seats, so I say nicely to a woman on her cell phone, “Excuse me,” and she gets up to let me sit, making face at me in the process because I’ve inconvenienced her. I pull out my book, and as I’m reading I hear that she’s talking about her cell phone. From Newark to New Brunswick, where she got off, the talk was of nothing but cell phones: Verizon, Cingular, headsets, Bluetooth, I had to get this replaced; I had to get that repaired; I’m not happy with this other feature; on and on.

Then it occurred to me that cell phones really are a blessing, because if we didn’t have cell phones, we wouldn’t be able to talk about cell phones on our cell phones while on the train home.